There is nothing that makes my friends more valuable than being able to deliver gossip to me. I consider myself the Don Corleone of shit talking, and so I almost expect something juicy in the group chat at least once a day.
Fact: The best gossip raises my blood pressure and the greatest gossip is able to cure my deepest of mood swings.
It’s awful actually that people can get so much pleasure from hearing about something good or bad that happened to someone else. But at the same time nothing, and I mean nothing brings people together more than a common enemy.
But does finding pleasure from shit talking make you an asshole?
In the eyes of most people, yes. It simply goes against the base of most religions – do not do unto others what you would not like done to yourself. It’s my firm belief that there are a few types of shit talkers, but that all people are innately gossip loving creatures.
Let me break it down for you.
The Double Agent
These people are extremely inexperienced at gossiping, and often end up being the person that people gossip about. I feel like this type of stupidity is really hard to explain, so I’ve created a dialogue.
The Double Agent: Did you see how much of a slut Airhead 2 was last night?
Airhead 1: Yeah, she looked like the cheapest hooker in Uzbekistan.
The Double Agent: I know right?!
Later that day The Double Agent goes for coffee with Airhead 2.
The Double Agent: I spoke to Airhead 1 this morning and she said you looked like a slut last night.
Airhead 2: OMG. No way! I was wearing the best knockoff dress money can buy. She’s such a bitch. You’re such a good friend for telling me.
Later that week Airhead 1 and 2 meet and discover their mutual hate for the double agent, and end up being bridesmaids at each other weddings. The Double Agent lives alone with only a laptop to her name.
The “If I can say it behind your back, I can say it to your face” asshole (ME)
I would place myself and most of my friends in this category. These people can tell you anything they think about you directly to you. Solely because they would rather you hear it from them then through someone else, which makes them both a good friend and an asshole.
The “I only tell my close friends” idiot
These people only tell their group chat the things that they hear. But, how do you know that there isn’t a double agent in the group? This fact makes the “I only tell my close friends” idiot an idiot. Unless of course the group chat consists of a few of your closest friends from church, and they happen to be extremely trust worthy.
The I only tell my mom, cat, or diary… so it doesn’t count
If you’ve told your mom you’ve gossiped. So it counts.
There you have it, as much as you can try to avoid it, at one point or another everyone has been a shit talker. Of course it’s not extremely ethical, but a world without gossip would be like a world without good shoes. It’s the foundation for everything.